Ranting 1

I think I have quite a bit of room for interpretation on the idea of love. Granted, I haven’t had multiple partners or even said that I love so many people, but I think with all this time I’ve spent waiting I can say that I know what I’m looking for in someone that I want to love. I can say that I don’t necessarily look for any particular thing, or hold onto something that might just be a minor detail on a whole person like some of my friends do. I would rather find someone that, instead of focusing on physical or the little things in the person’s personality, fulfills any emotional need or want that I would/do have.

Now, I know what you’re saying… “Well duh, isn’t that what you’re supposed to look for?” I would say, well yeah, but think about some of your friends, or family and then think about the decisions that lead them to the decision to be with the person that they’re with or wanting to be with. When I sit back and actually think about the people that I know and the decisions that they have made or are making or want to make… I seriously have a hard time believing that they have chosen to follow that road in their lives.  I can only say that I would never really want to go down a road, especially as important of a road as the love road, with someone that I’ve had to make so many bureaucratic decisions about staying with. Maybe this is my virginal thinking about LOVE but wouldn’t you rather have LOVE be raw and unsanctioned?

This honestly leads me to my beliefs on marriage; obviously I don’t really think there should be any rules against marriage until we can make them completely fair. How, right now, can a woman openly marry a man just to have a chance to get his money when he dies? How, right now, can people get married out of obligation when they “get pregnant” or if it’s the “right thing to do”? How, right now, can someone be together for years and years, proven their relationship through hardships and temptations and yet they aren’t allowed to get married because they are of the same sex? Maybe it’s just the country I’m in that makes it so confusing and hard to make the right decision when it comes to a person’s rights… because they’re RIGHTS for a reason, right?

I don’t think I would want to be somewhere that I wasn’t welcomed.  I really don’t know what’s going to happen once I find that someone that I want to be with forever and I’m told, “Oh, you’re gay? I’m sorry, you can’t marry each other.” I could say that I’d be fine with just having a ceremony and knowing in our hearts/souls that we belong together, but I know some part of me wouldn’t accept that. Maybe it’s because I come from a country where anything is supposed to be possible. It’s been a dream, ask anyone who knows me well, of mine to marry the man I love and for it to be a wonderful expression of my love for him, for our love of each other.

Once again this leads to the fact that there is too much bureaucratic non-sense involved in love. Why can’t it just be as easy as it’s supposed to be? This is something that I’m going to strive for in any relationship I’m in. I don’t want to be caught up in the reasoning, the excuses or lies that go on so much in love these days.

Say if I were to be dating a great friend I’m dating right now. Say he’s one of the most interesting people I’ve met recently and I really get the ‘my heart skipped a beat, light headed love’ feeling when I’m around him. He’d be intoxicating in the best way possible. How could the feelings I would have for him right now be wrong when it makes me feel like this? If I had these feelings for a girl, would they be wrong? If I wanted to be with him simply for the fact that he’s got blonde hair and blue eyes, would it be wrong? Or would it be considered preference? So in that case; would a woman marrying a man for money be doing it out of preference? And would that be “ok”?

Writing this, I feel like I keep getting caught up in what everyone else says or everyone else’s idea of what’s going on with love. This is not what this entry was meant to be but I’m kinda happy that it took me to the level that it did. I didn’t write half of what I was thinking to be honest… believe it or not this is less of a rant than it could have been.

To whomever reads this I just ask that you seriously look at the situations around you; the “love” that people project in their lives with the ones they’ve chosen and seriously ask yourself if that is what you want your love to be like? Better yet, get a good picture of what you want your love to be like with someone. Get that image stained on your brain, because once you start making compromises on your love and start chipping away your expectations is when you start making excuses for yourself. How can that lead to happiness? Some people might say that I’m contradicting myself from the first paragraph, but I’m not. Getting that image of what you want your love to be like doesn’t mean getting the “little things” all in a row and nitpicking when a guy or girl comes around as if they’re features on a car or house you want to buy. You’ve got to look for the potential in a person and deduct to the best of your abilities over time, if that person has what it takes to love you the way you need and if you in return can love them the way they need.

That’s the end of my rant =]

Dream 4.14.12

I know this is super weird, but this was the most vivid dream I’ve had in a while. On top of that, I don’t usually dream and for the last couple nights my dreams have been crazy! I’ll keep writing them down, maybe I’ll get some good ideas for a story. =] I did some editing, like I kept writing Christien instead of Christian and obviously since I just woke up when I wrote it there were and possibly still are some mess ups. =]
Dream:
I had a baby named Christian, old neighborhood in Indiana but it was down the street from somewhere like Aunt Cathy’s. I was saying goodbye to cousins that were black, as they were leaving me and one cousin and I sang “My Boo” from usher and Alicia keys. Then, Christian was in the car, Golf, with Dad and Uncle Rick as they check out the car because I just got back from a road trip. I break off from the singing and saying goodbye to my cousins to get him because he is crying for no reason. I pat his butt and ask “Why are you crying like that huh? Why?” playfully to get him to laugh. I’m holding him, looking at his eyes, blonde hair and rosy cheeks then say with a big smile “Gimme a kiss”, and I blow on his cheek, then kiss him and he blows a raspberry and laughs, I blow one back laughing…
Christian is getting ready to drink something, looks like beer from a clear plastic cup in our old garage in Indiana he’s wearing little dark wash overalls and a red long sleeve shirt with little black converse. Looks at me and laughs when gasp and shout “Christian no!” End of dream.

Number One

Easy reading is damn hard writing.
— Nathaniel Hawthorne

So this was a quote that was posted just after I posted my last post.
How VERY true? Right? I need to remember this when freaking out about that fact that I do no writing. I give up to easily, I think this will be part of my Vow to myself. I need to write more, like I’m doing now… before I would have just thought about this, but not written it down.
I’m extremely happy about this =] I’ll call them Ramblings. This will be number 1. Kinda like my first in command. When I find myself straying away from writing, I’ll read this again and kick my ass back into it!

That’s it. Easy right?

Circles

Where was I? Oh that’s right… finding ‘myself’.

Here’s the circle that I find myself traveling…

the Thinking

the Thinking leads to the fact that I Need something, but I can’t figure out WHAT it is…

the Need

the Need leads to the Thinking that I NEED a Change

(end of circle one/beginning of circle two)

a Change

a Change leads to the Decision

the Decision lead to the Question

the Question leads to the Answer

the Answer leads to the Action

and the Action leads to the Thinking

(end of fig. 8 onto last circle)

All the thinking, needing, changing, decisions, questions and answers leads to where I am now.

I’ve made a decision but I find myself diving into the thinking/needing/changing and the decision making… so I’ve started asking myself questions lately that I CAN’T find an answers to. What’s the change that I’ve been needing that I haven’t fulfilled? I’m not sure that I have the answer to that, but I think I’m hot on he heels of it.

Me.

I’ve changed my environment, the people that surround me, the voices that influence my actions/the way I view everything… but the one factor that hasn’t changed is me. I am the contributing factor that is preventing ME from changing in a truly positive and completely different way.

Insert the new: the Vow.

I Vow to myself, who should be the most important person in the whole entire universe TO ME, that I will ensure CHANGE in my life. From this day forward.

That’s it. Easy right?

Hello…

Hi, I’ve been waiting a long time to meet you. I’m just going to come right out and say it… I can’t think of a time when I thought of love and didn’t think of you. When I thought of my life and didn’t see you. When I laid in my bed and didn’t dream of you. You are everything to me. I know this sounds corny, cheesy and maybe just a little too much… But I don’t care because I love you. If I were with you on top of a mountain or at the Great Canyon the first thing I would want to do is look at your face, look you in the eyes and tell you how much I love you, then shout it as loud as I could.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that you don’t know me yet and I don’t know you. You’re everything I’m looking for and have truly always wanted.

I so look forward to meeting you.

Love always,
Tony

I want…

I want so much nowadays. I guess its the right time for me to be wanting things, because I’m in the position to go out and get what I want. Well sort of, see what I want isn’t really something money can buy. I want to go out for Halloween dressed as a big spoon and have someone else dressed as a little spoon, or to even have a date for Halloween would be nice. I can’t remember the last time I had someone that I was in a relationship with. Like for real.
Its not just that, I want things that I just can’t seem to do. Like make everyone happy, I love to make people happy, but lately I feel like all the people that I’ve made important in my life recently haven’t been happy with the decisions I’ve made.  BUT I guess we can’t make everyone happy.
I want to do things for people, like help my mom, get her more active in ANYTHING. I actually want to help my sister with her boys. I want to be there for Stephanie and tell her how amazed I am with what she’s doing with her life. I want to get over my feelings and visit my dad and actually be happy for him. I want to constantly be a positive influence in everyone’s life around me, believe it or not.
I know it sounds stupid and some of this stuff might seem like an easy fix, but a lot of it seems so out there.
Now don’t get me wrong, I want and dream about the stupid things too. Like what I would do if I won the lottery … We all know I’m not going to win the lottery, but that thought of what I would do if I won slipped in when I was thinking of what I really want in my life right now. I found myself thinking along the same lines. Yes, of course it would be nice not to have to think about money anymore, or HAVING to work… But I thought more about my mom and how hard work must be for her and how I would rather he be able to just relax and enjoy this time with family and friends. I thought about my dad, he’s worked hard his whole life also. How nice would it be for him to be able to finally do whatever he wants. To have his own business building things and doing what I know he loves to do. I think about my nephews, and how I would love for them to have absolutely everything that I didn’t have growing up. Like awesome vacations, a new car when they get old enough, to not worry about going to college, or even seeing the world.
I thought about me. What would I want from that? I WOULD go to school, I would go around the world, and most of all I would be so happy because I’d be able to do everything listed above.
This sounds like a essay to win the lottery or something but I think about that happiness and I guess its due to my super imagination that I can make all the thoughts of me not having someone, me not making everyone happy in my life, and me not being too happy with myself lately float away.

These are just my thoughts for the day. I posted this from my phone, so if there’s a lot of typos… Forgive me! Lol

Do I know you?

To know me is to know you too,

Think about it and what you know… about yourself.

To know you is to know myself,

I’ll think about this and what I know… about me.

See you in the future whoever you are!

I have a feeling I’ll know you when I see you.

Just a Thought…

So as I’m sitting here, restless, at 5:45… wait 5:46 a.m. after being awake all night at WORK… (I will leave it as WORK, without giving WORK a name.) and I’m thinking about the BIG PICTURE… I start thinking about this because it was pointed out to me recently that there are so many things that SOMEONE could see me doing, you know… as a career. (grown up job)

Now, I’m not saying that what I’m doing now isn’t what I want to do FOREVER… and EVER, but I would like to dabble in a few other things in my life time. YES, I do have TONS of other interests and YES I do get caught on whims when something strikes an interest in my “being” so it may seem like I have too many paths that I’m trying to follow, or that I am rebelling against picking one but I really do want to focus on something more than THAT.
I want to focus on me, I know that if some of my family read that they would say “Uh, what have you been doing this whole time???” and I would say “Well, that was a survival and quality of living thing, now I want to focus on me and my ‘soul’.” There may be an eye roll or two, but at least I would understand what I’m saying.

I’ve been very focused over the last two years. I’m overwhelmingly proud to be where I am right now. HOWEVER…. I want more. What happened to me being in LOVE? What happened to me having FREE TIME? What happened to my FRIENDS? I know I have my friends still, and I’ve even made new ones. I do have free time, but not just free time. I have free time where I’m stressed about WORK, where I’m focused on not having feelings that I desperately WANT to have and my new friends also stress about WORK… ugh I feel like I may NEED a change.

NEED not WANT. I don’t know about you, but if I feel like this, then it may NEED to happen.

LOVE is something that I only say to my Mom, Dad, Bro and Sis right now. Yes at least that’s 4 people that I know love me and I them, but it’s a different love. I want THAT LOVE. You want to know what type of love I want?
I’ll tell you….

I want the: I’ll stand next to you however you want me to, through thick and thin, till death do us part… Kind of LOVE

I want the: I hate you so much for putting me through this, but the feeling of you not being there makes me lose my breath … Kind of LOVE

I want the: Passionate kind of love that makes me want to rip someones clothes off and throw them against the wall while kissing them so passionately that I’ll dream about it for years to come.

This is what I want. I don’t know when or if I’ll find this anytime soon, but I really hope that the next few months/years of my life isn’t all about WORK and the ideas of these different kinds of love are all worth changing my life for. Some might find this crazy or stupid, but I have such a need for something different in my life right now that if I don’t find something soon to satisfy this NEED I may burst. Literally into flames, or into a severe mental rage. Aaaannnnddd that can’t happen.

If anyone knows different ways to go about finding what I’m in NEED of, please let me know asap.

On the bright side, I am still sane, or at least I think I am, and I think I may just need to focus on what I’m doing well for now. However, if I keep doing that the CHANGE that I so desperately NEED won’t come.

Decisions… Decisions.

Lorenzo and Alfonze

So in my time here in Gainesville while living alone, I recently discovered a cricket and a tree frog of whom I’ve appropriately named Lorenzo (the cricket) and Alfonze (the tree frog). Lorenzo ALWAYS loves to ruin the intense serious and quiet moments of any show or movie that is on at the time. Like the friend who always says: “Oh no! What are they doing? Don’t go up the stairs!!!!” I always laugh a little and take time to roll my eyes at him as if he were an actual person. I don’t know if this is a little crazy… or just my overactive imagination! I think I’ll go with it being my imagination.

Alfonze however seems to only speak when it’s quiet, like when I’m trying to sleep at 2 a.m.! However, I love that when I’m getting ready for work or about to leave for the day he seems to give me a little “ribbit”  almost telling me “Have a good day!” I’ve come to love hearing these two unlikely friends I’ve made here. I didn’t think he was going to be as small as he is because he makes such a loud noise, but I recently found him on my screen door! I’d love to catch him and keep him in a jar or create some awesome habitat for him, but I think he’d  be happier free to crawl on mine or someone else’s screen door. Who knows maybe he keeps someone else company when not sustaining my sanity…

This is all I had to say about these little guys =] Hopefully they don’t leave… Actually I may have to get a cat or small dog, maybe that would be a little MORE normal lol!

Distracted

His picture still sits on my desk at work, a small, put into your wallet kind of picture, but his picture none the less.  Every day it seems I zone out with my eyes blurring just as they reach his lips causing me to blink grudgingly back to reality.  Just because months had gone by doesn’t mean anything, things could still look up.  Telling myself this DID help at first… at first.  Questions go unanswered and lies remain hidden, even though you want so desperately to scream the truth in hopes every little detail will help.

The ride home from work is usually long.  Leaving at four in the afternoon from La Jolla going to San Diego means traffic, lots of long, slow moving, plenty of thinking time… traffic.  Simple things remind me of him, but I can’t think like that anymore.  Still…  I’d usually come home and tell him what I thought of throughout the day as my imagination would flow out onto my desk at work.  The trips to places where it would be only us, songs we’d sing at the top of our lungs while racing down a highway with friends or how I couldn’t help thinking how his hand fit perfectly in mine… all this we would lay and dream about together. Together.

I’ve learned to hate that word, only when referring to him though.  A better way to use it is:  Tonight all my friends will get together at this great wine bar in Hillcrest.  Unfortunately I’ve already had to call ahead and tell them I’ll  be late because I have a stain on my shirt from what’s become my daily raspberry jelly filled donut.  I’m not eating my feelings… honest.  As I was looking at my stain thinking about what shape it was, as if it were a cloud and I was laying on my back in the park daydreaming, a very disgruntled person started to honk his tiny little car horn at me.  More than happy to oblige his need to move up two car spaces, I let my foot off the brake for 3 seconds then pressed it again.  I was getting too caught up with the daydreaming and nearly missed my exit when I caught a glimpse of a black sedan, his black sedan, with two people in it, two!  It was too late; I was already in the exit lane about to get off.  This is where all the crazy sets in.  What would I do if I followed him?  What would I have seen if I caught up with him?  Who was that other person in the car?!?!  I’ve got to let the crazy go.

I take deep breaths, as if the world is about to end and I’m not sure if that’s the feeling I’ll miss most.  Blinking back to reality, I once again find I’ve zoned out and am sitting at a stoplight that just turned yellow.  Thank god no one was around to honk this time.  The drive once I get off the highway is nice, a little slow, but nice as I go up and down the hills of San Diego enjoying the scenery of barred windows, graffiti, children playing and a little too shady gas stations.  All this being just off the highway, not quite where my destination was.  Still ascending the hills that decorate this slice of heaven, slow as ever, I start to reach the manicured bright green lawns, nice cars and sometimes over the top houses of the upper hills, I’d like to say one of the “over the top” houses were mine but alas I cannot.  Here I reach my “condo”, not so much a condo but more of an expensive apartment that someone bought and upgraded the carpet, counters and faucets.  It’s nice though, not many people live here yet and I can enter my garage and go up my own little hallway to my place.  Thinking about it, how would I know if anyone else lived here I only go in and out of my garage… hmmm I’ll have to go for a jog one day, you know, the type where you’re not on a stationary treadmill.

I tried to let the image of his sedan slip easily out of my head by dreaming about going for a jog.  It didn’t happen.  Was the other person a man or a woman?  Walking up the steps to my door I’m consumed in that stupid little detail… Which was it?!  I look up as I approach my door only to find a folded piece of whitepaper on my door, covering the peep hole.  I was a little too far away to see what it was, but thought it was just a letter from the building saying they had to enter my space for some crazy reason or another.  It was eerily bright white against the cool grey of my door.  It was almost luminescent with the setting sun, you’d think it would be a warm color, but the colors of the condo cast a sterile coolness on pretty much everything.  I grabbed the piece of paper careful not to pull the tape too hard and peel the paint.  I wasn’t going to read it first off, but I noticed it was hand written as I pulled it off.  I casually put the key in the door and opened the paper at the same time.

Time stopped.

Everything around me seemed to freeze.  Every noise was drowned out by the sound of my heart pounding… instantly pounding, hard as if I had just run up flights and flights of stairs.  I didn’t think. I yanked my key out of my door handle and ran back down to my car.  I don’t even remember starting my car and getting to the freeway, the next thing I knew I was on the 8 racing toward the 163 going toward Hillcrest.  Traffic was not a problem, weaving in and out of people as if I did it for a living I reached Hillcrest.  Looking franticly back and forth to each outdoor patio at each little shop and restaurant for his face, the back of his head, his stupid shoes he always wore, anything!  I saw my friends at the wine bar where they were waiting for me and passed to the little Italian restaurant we always went for our “Lady and the Tramp” dates.  There he was sitting in the same spot where we would always sit, sharing a huge plate of spaghetti with someone I didn’t know.

What I expected to happen next was for a car to hit me from behind, then I would be stuck getting out of my car with him and his new someone right there.  Thank god that didn’t happen.  I pulled to a parking spot around the corner and pulled on a jacket I found in my car to cover the jelly stain, and went to the wine bar careful not to be seen.  I casually greeted my friends as if I had actually just been in the restroom.  I completely ignored the extra person at the table but still noticed he was there.  I couldn’t think, I didn’t want to… how could something mean so much to me and not to him??? I drifted through the conversation, and was actually starting to pipe up more until they walked in.  Instantly I got up and went to the bathroom, I didn’t think he saw me until I heard a knock on the door.  I couldn’t ignore it so I opened the door and he was there.  I didn’t let him talk.  First I held up the note and explained that I found it on my door.  Everything started to freeze up again. He just looked at me as if he felt bad for me, and said “I am.”  I left before he could say the rest, which I could tell was going to start with the word “but”.

My friends looked at me like I was crazy and the person I didn’t notice before, followed me to my car. I couldn’t believe I stormed out like I did, I’ve never acted like that.  I didn’t realize the he was still following me until I got to my car where he put his hand on my door. I looked at him as tears started welling in my eyes; he looked hurt and sad… like he pitied me. I couldn’t take it, pulled my door shut and drove home as fast as possible.  I saw nothing; I didn’t even realize I was back to the door of my condo, which had turned back into the sterile grey,  “How fitting” I thought as I put my key into my door and went inside, that’s when I saw it. There it was; a baseball and shattered glass. The last few hours flew threw my head in fast forward, my life seemed so trivial. Had I really gotten THIS caught up in everything? I honestly stared to feel extremely sorry for myself; I didn’t want to admit that this all had happened. I fell onto my couch and pulled a throw over my face. I groaned loudly and then heard someone clear their throat by my front door.

“I didn’t mean to follow you, uh…” He said it quickly nervously. “I just know that I wouldn’t want to be alone… if this happened to me.” I couldn’t do anything but stare at him blankly. He moved into my condo slowly and sat on the arm of my couch. “I’m gonna go…” He was still speaking quickly, trying to avoid the obvious awkward moment he just threw upon me. “ You look a little freaked out that I followed you here, I’m sorry for that by the way, but in case you want to, I’m going to go have some coffee just down the hill.”  He moved away toward the door again stopping at the entrance that I just realized I had never locked, or even closed for that matter.

“I think you’re great. You’re funny, sweet, caring, picky at times and handsome.” Just when I didn’t think it could get more awkward… it did. “I’ve been hanging with your group for a couple months now off and on, you always say hi to me, but I can tell now that you really don’t remember me.” He looked disappointed and walked out the door. I’ve never had anyone say anything to me like that before now even him. I sat there for a minute then got up to see his car start to move down the hill. For once for the whole day, for months, I didn’t think. I ran out my door and started towards my garage, as I got into my car I remembered the different times I’d seen him. His name was Matt, he was sweet and funny and everything he told me I was. I was remembering now out little conversations, but I was too obsessed with him to notice.

I pulled into the coffee shop parking lot and got out of my car, he was waiting in his. I walked to his door and tapped twice feeling my heart quicken in anticipation.  As he rolled down his window I was stunned by his smile, he didn’t look sad anymore, more hopeful if anything. “Hi, I’m full of myself and distracted by things that I shouldn’t be.” This was my apology, said quickly as I threw up my wall and attempted to guard all my exposed feelings. He looked down and rolled up his window. As he got out of his car he said; “Hi, I throw my feelings into situations that make people uncomfortable.” We shook hands and shared a laugh as I closed his car door. I felt relieved as my wall fell and openly exposed all my guarded feelings.

We walked into the coffee shop, and I walked away from my past.